This is my Year!

We are already almost in the middle of the first month of 2009 and this entry is a tad bit late I thought I was alone in feeling that 2008 was just not a very good year. It turned out that most of my online friends felt  the same way. I don’t want to sound like a copycat, but I as well have made a commitment during the last few days of 2008. That commitment was to myself. I found myself feeling a little bit more elated that 2008 was about to end. 

2008 was a very apathetic year for me. I didn’t do anything. 2007, I was severely depressed. 2008, I was still depressed, but it manifested in a different way. I hibernated. To make it worse, its last month was the worst of it all. I was sick for most of December. Then my last day at work, I tripped. Tripped in front of all the people who were having their breakfast at the hospital cafeteria. So embarrassing. But hey, cliche as it may sound, I felt just like anybody who has stumbled and fell in their lives, and chose to stand up and move on. After that incident, I was just so ready to leave 2008 behind. 

So by the time the ball dropped at midnight, I had that sense that 2009 WAS GOING TO BE MY YEAR! I felt like, nothing could be worse than how my 2008 went. Then I told myself, that 2009 would be different from the year that just ended. NO MORE DRAMA, NO MORE SELF-PITY, NO MORE HANG-UPS, NO MORE BITTERNESS, NO MORE NEGATIVITY!!! I am just going to be plain happy this year! I will be very positive! I will discard all of those capitalized words in my life. THIS IS GOING TO BE MY YEAR!!! and please, NO HATERS ALLOWED

CloSuRe……

According to Merriam-Webster.com, it is defined as ”an often comforting or satisfying sense of finality <victims needing closure> ; also : something (as a satisfying ending) that provides such a sense”. Today I got CLOSURE!

I have only been in a relationship twice. Sadly, both failed. Both times, it took me forever to get over it. You see, I have a tendency to obsess on things, events, acts of kindness, acts of un-kindness. So getting over my short-lived relationships was so much longer than the relationship itself. Today, I got the closure from my best girlfriend. She kept on asking how I am feeling. HOnestly, up until now, a few hours after she broke to me the news, I still cannot feel anything. She asked if if I am just in a state of shock that’s why I cannot react. To tell you the truth, I am not even shocked, I mean I saw it coming anyway. When it’s going to happen, I just didn’t know. I want to feel sad, but I just couldn’t get myself to do such a thing. I want to wallow in self-pity, but why? What’s the point?  It won’t change anything, would it? Am I happy? I don’t know. I am just feeling indifferent at this point. 

I read or heard somewhere before that the real anti-thesis of love is indifference not hatred as hatred still involves such a strong feeling and emotion. When you’re indifferent, you just don’t feel anything, YOU JUST DON’T CARE! That is how I am feeling right now. I couldn’t care less. So do you think I achieved closure then? Maybe I did, maybe I didn’t. Did I achieve a comforting sense of finality? I think I did.

It’s snowing in SOcal?!?!?

It has only been five years since I first landed here in the States. My first reaction then, as soon as I went to get my baggage after my interview with immigration was, “Hmm, parang Pinas din pala eh, mas maganda nga lang!” I said that because everywhere I turned, there were pinoys, pinays, ilocanos, bisaya, all over the airport! I thought, where are the blonde, blue eyed people, hahah! Talk about ignorance huh? At that time, when they say United States, I was not expecting to see a lot of my kababayans!

So I thought, hmmm, I would feel at home here instantly. Until I felt the first blow of wind the second I stepped out of the double doors of Tom Bradley. The weather then was a bit chilly for me coz I am a true blue Sampaloc Girl, so sanay ako sa maalinsangan na kapaligaran sa Sampaloc. As soon as I got used to it, I loved Socal because of it’s temperate weather, compared to the rest of the country, i.e barely goes above or below 70 degrees Fahrenheit! 

Then 5 years went by. This morning, I was talking to my unit manager. He was saying that it was snowing in his town. My first reaction was, where does he live? Granted, it is not LA or SD, it is still in Southern Cali. He lives about 30 minutes north of Santa Clarita if I am not mistaken! So you can just imagine my reaction when he told us that it was snowing when he drove down to work today. I was like, snowing. . .. . .  pause. . .  in Souhern CAli. . . pause!  Then my co-worker said, soon enough it would snow here in LA too

Hmmmm, I wonder how that would be With all the things happening in our environment nowadays, it is not far from happening! For now, we’ll just wait for that first snowflake in Los Angeles

Christmas Spirit

How come, as I grow older, it gets more and more difficult for me to get into the Christmas Spirit ? I remember when I was a kid in Sampaloc, as soon as All Saints Day is over, I would get giddy because it just means one thing……….. Christmas is just around the corner. By the end of the first week of November, my parents, me and my kid sister already finished putting up and decorating our 4 feet tall plastic christmas tree (that was big at that time) that my mom and dad had since their first year of marriage. That tree was my age and I think that is still the same one that they are using right now.

We would be preparing Christmas presentations in school. One particular presentation that is forever etched in my memory is when I played one of the three wise men (and, yes, I am a girl ). My mom drew a mustache on me, and that was when I realized that…… I looked like my dad Then comes the Christmas shopping. This is my and my sister’s chance to have new clothes. We weren’t dirt poor, but my mom believed that we could only shop for new nice clothes during Christmas and our birthdays. Come to think of it, maybe that’s how I became such a shopaholic For some reason, even if we weren’t really deprived, I felt deprived. Maybe because, I would compare myself to my classmates who had more. Oh well! Then we would go to this mall display with moving puppets of some sort (COD anyone?) then have dinner at our favorite Hong Kong style noodle shop. Then my dad would be really insisting that we all complete the simbang gabi. All 9 days! Then puto bumbong and bibingka after mass! Sigh! How I wish I can experience that again.

I loved Christmas! I still love it! My question is, how come it is more and more difficult and stressful to get and stay in the spirit of Christmas. I am cramming all my Christmas shopping in this week. I didn’t buy a single christmas gift until I had to buy one for the party at work. It is becoming a drag for me. Stressful too! 

I think, I am focusing more on the buying of the gifts part of Christmas. Which is just a teeny weeny part of it. Maybe I should start redefining what Christmas means to me, what is really all about!

Christmas is about Jesus Christ being born to be the savior of all mankind. It is about being thankful for the blessing that is Jesus Christ and all the other blessings we have received for the past year. It is about loving one another. It is about being with your loved ones, your family.

I have not spent christmas with my immediate family for years now and it makes me sad. I would give anything to be able to spend it with my mom, dad and my sister again. Now that I am here, it just doesn’t happen that way. Sometimes, people have to make sacrifices. I guess, I am one of those people. So for now, my secondary and my tertiary and my other intermediate families would have to make do. My relatives here in CALi, my co-workers, my friends, I would spend my Christmas with them. Isn’t family one of the main component of Christmas anyway?!?!

 

Happy Holidays Everyone!

I start today. . .

to write. . .  again. The operative word being “again” Why? well, I will explain further in future posts. Now, my dilemma, hmmm….. what to write???

I have been on house arrest for the past two days due to circumstances that I didn’t choose personally. I was so bored out of my wits! Even food could not comfort me, as my taste buds were very uncooperative of late. I want to do some house chores, but my nose was also on strike that even the simple task of keeping the thermometer under my tongue was painfully difficult (I couldn’t breathe if my mouth is shut). Then I had to do some drugs! Not the illicit ones, though I now wonder if that would have helped me get better quicker Well, for someone who is in always close proximity to the D word. . . . I hate taking ‘em! If somebody is sick, the only advice I like to give despite the abundance of knowledge I have in this field (Naks!) is Hydrotherapy! Yes, water, water, water! Gimme some water!!! So taking pills was excruciating, but I had no choice! I have finished probably 3 liters of water just for today and I am peeing non-stop! Plus, I have a party to attend tomorrow. so I have to take some medicine! 

What am I doing, talking about body parts and medicine! This blog isn’t about that! I am creating this mainly to chronicle (double naks!) my life, my rants and raves, my hang-ups, my silliness. I am a newbie at this. Am I? I’m not really sure! Well, I have a blog in one of those social networking sites, but I rarely update that. I love reading blogs by people I know (i.e my sister and my friend peps) and those I barely know. I could blog hop for  hours. Then a thought occurred to me. . . . why not make my own. I mean, I used to love writing, or at least, some people think I loved it and am good at it. I like talking about myself, my friends, and anything under the sun. Although I have friends whom I can talk to about those, I guess it still gives you more creative outlet if you journal it this way. I mean, I was a Doogie Howser fan, for crying out loud! I also think I have a little Carrie Bradshaw going on inside of me  

So, I start today. To write. To get creative. To bring back my love for writing. To give my reactions, adverse or not. To welcome reactions, good or bad. To get in to the blog-wagon!

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